Two hallmark pillars of any healthy relationship are intimacy and communication. If a couple is strong in both of these aspects of their partnership, it’s safe to assume that their relationship is healthy. But why and how are these two factors so important? 

Both intimacy and communication play critical roles in the strength and health of any relationship, romantic or platonic. To become emotionally close, the two factors work together to create a sense of trust and understanding. But how, exactly, do they work together? Let’s review some of the most asked questions regarding intimacy, communication, and how the two work together to create a rock-solid foundation for your relationship. 

What are intimacy and communication, really? 

When it comes to understanding how concepts work together, defining is key. Communication is simple: it’s how people talk to one another. In relationships, an open and honest flow of communication is key. It’s very difficult to be in a healthy relationship with someone who does not tell the truth or otherwise does not share things. 

Intimacy is a little less straightforward. Essentially, the term intimacy encompasses the entire emotional connection between two people. It can refer to the vulnerability and trust that builds over time in a relationship. It can also refer to the physical aspect of romantic relationships, although it does not have to. Once you realize you can be open and transparent with another person without fear of judgment, you have reached very intimate levels. 

How communication works to build intimacy

Communication is a tool that is used to foster a deeper sense of intimacy between people. Without effective communication, true intimacy is incredibly hard to achieve. Through you and your partner’s communication skills, you can build trust and emotional connection. This is done through sharing things with one another and being open and honest. 

How intimacy allows better communication

A deep sense of intimacy also allows you and your partner to have more effective communication with one another. When you are vulnerable with another person and allow them to see all parts of you, it is much easier to have increased trust in them. This trust is also known as emotional safety. It is the sense that you know your partner will not judge you for whatever you have to say or do. 

Ways to foster intimacy and strong communication 

If you and your partner are not quite at the highest levels of emotional intimacy or deep communication, there is no need to worry. There are plenty of steps you can take to work on your communication and intimacy together. Try a few of the following steps to see how they work for you. 

• Hone in your listening skills: Always practice active listening! Nothing damages communication more than only half listening to what your partner has to say. 

• Ask about their day: The little things are what matters most in life. Even a quick question to show you are truly interested in your partner’s day will go a very long way. 

• Share experiences with one another: Having shared memories creates a bond that will last a lifetime. You also will have the chance to test your relationship in different capacities.

Ultimately, every relationship looks a bit different from the other. Whether you and your partner’s intimacy looks different from your best friend’s form of intimacy is entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with. If you find that you and your partner have potentially been struggling with either intimacy or communication, then couple’s therapy may be a good route for you to take. Reach out today with any questions you may have about couples counseling.

Before we can answer the question posed in the title above, it’d help to ask: How does couples therapy help? It’s a version of psychotherapy designed for people in a romantic relationship. They may have a specific issue they wish to address. In other cases, they want to improve their relationship in a more general sense.

Each couples therapist, of course, will have their own approach but the general concept is universal. You’re not there for individual counseling. Rather, you and the therapist are working together to treat the relationship. A recent survey found that 97 percent of couples who tried this kind of therapy reported getting the help they needed.

Why Online Couples Therapy?

As with so many aspects of life today, online couples therapy is akin to a video meeting. You can choose the telephone but the vast majority of couples opt for the video option. Some of the many reasons why people may choose teletherapy include:

• They’re partners but they do not live together
• Busy, incompatible schedules
• Lacking access to an in-person therapist in their geographical area
• Privacy (not wanting to risk running into someone at the therapy office)
• One or both partners have an illness, injury, or disability

How Does Online Couples Therapy Work?

In most cases, it’s a virtual version of in-person couples therapy. Problems and their underlying roots are identified. Negative patterns are exposed. Together with their therapist, the couples set collective goals. The therapist uses standardized tools to assess progress and direct focus and attention.

The fact that this takes place online doesn’t change the traditional model. Using video allows the therapist to perceive important cues in gestures, tone, body language, and more. Once everyone has settled into the digital format, the sessions have a rhythm and tone of their own.

A Few Reasons to Not Choose Online Couples Therapy

• When one partner feels uncomfortable in the home
• If domestic violence is present in the household
• When one partner feels strongly about being in an in-person therapy setting
• If circumstances in the home (noise, lack of privacy, etc.) can sabotage your efforts
• The couple is not knowledgeable enough to handle the technological aspects (or if their equipment is not reliable)
• If the process of doing this online causes distrust or distress to either partner

Advantages of Online Couples Therapy

• Convenience: There’s no commute and no need to pick out an outfit or put on makeup. This dramatically shortens the time commitment without compromising the quality of care.
• Scheduling: Since you’re not limited by strict office hours, you may be able to meet on a day and time that is atypical of any type of medical appointment.
• Privacy: As touched on above, there’s no concern about running into someone on your way or even in the waiting room.
• Comfort: Your therapist gets to see you on your home field. No matter what, people can assume a certain presentation when meeting in a therapy office. At home, however, you can show your therapist more of who you are.
• Application: Part of couples therapy is learning new skills. Doing this in a setting where those skills will be more often applied can be empowering. This can streamline the process from skill acquisition to skill application.
• Normalcy: For nearly three years, video meetings have quickly become the norm. Transferring this reality into the realm of therapy has never been easier or felt more normal.

Will Online Couples Therapy Be the Game-Changer For Your Relationship?

There’s only one way to find out. Couples therapy has never been more available and accessible. You know the basics now. What not follow up by giving us a call so we can talk.

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Relationship-related anxiety is normal. Everyone experiences it. That said, it can transform into dysfunction if not addressed. Relationship anxiety can also cause you to unconsciously sabotage your connection. You feel so anxious that you begin to imagine that breaking up is the only source of relief. Picking fights or testing boundaries might be a sign that anxiety is the culprit.

But there is good news. Anxiety over a relationship is common and very much can be managed. The first step is to identify its presence in your life.

A Few Common Signs of Relationship Anxiety

If relationship anxiety is normal, how can we tell when it has crossed the line into something more serious? Here are a few red flags to watch for?

Doubting Your Partner’s Feelings For You

You’ve both said, “I love you.” You’ve committed to being a couple. Yet… there is a nagging doubt. Does she really love me? What does it mean when he looks at me a certain way? If all is going reasonably well, this is not normal anxiety.

Fearing a Break-Up

Every couple has rough patches, disagreements, and conflicts. If such situations cause you to fully believe you’re about to be dumped, anxiety may be ruling the day.

Planning a Break-Up

Do you spend a lot of time and energy looking for reasons to break up? Those reasons might not exist but anxiety sure does. Thus, as mentioned above, you view splitting up as more palatable than living under so much stress.

Over-Thinking

This includes:

• Overanalyzing everything your partner says and does
• Needing constant reassurance
• Comparing your relationship to other couples
• Not trusting, e.g. checking their phone, etc.

If any of this sounds even remotely familiar, you must immediately address it. The longer you wait, the harder it is to manage relationship anxiety.

4 Ways to Manage Relationship Anxiety

1. Accept the Situation Without Shame

Relationships are challenging. If you feel into a pattern of anxiety, accept it. But do without self-shaming. Be honest with yourself and your partner and accept the need to make changes. This is an excellent opportunity to work together as a team.

2. Identify Your Triggers

Displaying anxiety of any kind can often be an outward sign of a deeper issue. Do the work to identify:

• What external behaviors cause you to act in an anxious manner
• The root issues that created this cycle

3. Enhance Communication Skills

So much of your anxiety is probably triggered by you wondering “what if.” Commit together with your partner to improve your individual and collective communication skills. The more often, more directly, and more frequently you talk in person, the less likely that misunderstandings occur.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Relationship anxiety can be driven by regrets about the past or fear of the future. Meanwhile, the present moment is where we all live. Mindfulness practice guides us to stay present. In this state, it is much easier to appreciate your relationship as it is happening.

Getting Help for Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety is the most commonly diagnosed mental health issue in the world. You are not alone but you may not be able to manage it alone. That’s why so many people choose to heal from anxiety via therapy. Working one-on-one with a skilled therapist is a proven path toward recovery.

Your weekly sessions are the ideal setting for recognizing patterns and causes. From there, you are better positioned to discover new approaches and solutions. You can absolutely thrive in your relationship so please do not hesitate to ask for help. We’d love to support you on this journey with couples therapy.

Relationships are all about give and take. When you’re in a relationship, you do things to help the other person, and they respond in kind. But, sometimes, one person in the relationship requires or requests more than the other.

Narcissists have an increased desire to have all of their needs met. If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you may unexpectedly turn into their supply to feed those needs to them.

What Is A Narcissist?

Narcissism is an increased sense of self-importance, along with a deep desire for admiration and attention. A narcissist may also have a severe lack of empathy for others and may only focus on their own needs, wants feelings, and desires. It is a pattern of behavior that is self-centered and arrogant, with an inflated sense of self and a lack of consideration for others.

A narcissist is deficient in genuine self-esteem and self-worth, which is why they rely upon other people to affirm and uphold their fragile ego.

Signs Of A Narcissist

There are many signs that someone may be a narcissist.

• Belittles and criticizes others often
• Bullies and intimidates
• Needs constant praise
• Wants to be admired
• Lacks empathy for others
• Needs to be the center of attention
• Has an elevated sense of self-importance
• Exploits others without compunction

What Is Narcissistic Supply?

Narcissists lack inner self-worth, so they rely upon others to feed their narcissistic supply. They need to be validated and adored in order to feel good about themselves.

Narcissistic people may use intimidation or aggression to belittle others, then use emotional intelligence, charm, manipulation, and seduction to keep others from running off. Narcissists will often be drawn to codependent relationships, as they rely on admiration and feed off of submission.

A narcissist will manipulate and control others to feel good, which is why they can be abusive in relationships. They can use aggression and be rude, offensive, and belittling towards their partners to wear down their self-worth. This can turn into a sadistic, abusive relationship. They will continue to berate and belittle partners until they are completely submissive and passive, giving the narcissist whatever they need in a desire to please them.

When you are a narcissist’s supply, your own needs and feelings are ignored and cast aside.

How To Tell If You Are Feeding A Narcissist’s Supply

Narcissists only feel a sense of happiness and achievement when others speak or think highly of them. So, they have a constant hunger for praise and attention that feeds their self-importance.

How can you tell if you are the submissive partner, inadvertently feeding the narcissist? The main sign is a complete lack of care for your needs, be they emotional, mental, or physical. They will not consider your well-being, health, or mental stability. They only care about their own self-worth.

When you are feeding someone else’s self-confidence and worth, always making them feel elevated and loved, you can begin to feel drained, lost, and alone.

Other signs that you are feeding a narcissist are:

• They demand you to do a lot for them without considering what you want.
• They need constant attention, praise, and affection from you.
• They take credit for all good things in a relationship and will not take responsibility for their failures or wrongdoings.
• You feel that they are the leader and controller in the relationship, and you go along with things.
• Your own goals seem unimportant compared to theirs, and you may push them aside in order to help them meet their goals.
• They may gaslight or ghost you.
• You feel manipulated into doing things.
• They may withhold things from you without reason, such as affection or intimacy.

Cutting Off The Supply

If you are concerned you are feeding a narcissist, it’s time to cut off their supply. A narcissist only cares about themselves and may drain another person to gain their supply of affection, praise, and attention without caring about their wants and needs.

In that case, it is important that you speak to a licensed therapist who has experience with abusive and toxic relationships to help you heal and reevaluate your relationship. Reach out soon and read more about couples therapy so we can help you manage your mental health and move toward a happier, healthier relationship in the future.

 

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are a married couple who have been helping other couples for four decades. They are world-renowned for their research, writings, and original therapeutic approach to couples counseling. Although there are many different types of couples therapy, the Gottman Method is one with widespread success that many people find is a perfect choice for improving their relationships.

What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method is a specific approach to couples therapy. It begins with a detailed assessment of the relationship. You’ll start by coming together with your therapist to answer questions. Then each of you will have an individual interview with the therapist. Sometimes both partners also complete online questionnaires.

The assessment process is certainly helpful for your therapist to gain information about the relationship and how best to help you and your relationship. However, it’s also helpful for you. It’s really the start of the therapeutic process. As you share your story – together and separately – you begin to gain insight into the bigger picture of your relationship. You get a chance to see where you are, how you feel about things, and what you’d like to see change in the relationship. Telling your story helps you get clearer on what that story is. In other words, the assessment itself is therapeutic.

Of course, the assessment is just the beginning. It helps determine where the therapy goes from there. Your therapist will share with you their feedback about where your relationship is strong and where it needs work. They will also give you a sense of how therapy can help that work to happen, what the priorities will be, and some sense of how long it might take.

You’ll work together in therapy to address three core aspects of your relationship:

1. The friendship between you and your partner
2. How to better manage conflicts in your relationships
3. Ways to create shared meaning to strengthen the relationship

Through a wide variety of techniques and exercises, you’ll work on deepening your friendship and intimacy, handling conflicts in better ways, and healing the past, and working towards a shared sense of your future together.

Will Gottman Couples Therapy Work for You?

As with any type of couples therapy, Gottman therapy may or may not work for you. It primarily depends on your willingness – individually and as a couple – to be open to trying new things in order to improve the quality of your relationship. If you give the exercises your full effort, then there’s a good chance that you’ll find some benefit in this type of therapy.

For example, one of the Gottman Method techniques is the idea of Turning Toward. You will learn how to recognize when your partner is making a “bid” for connection with you and what a positive response to that bid might look like on your part. Then, you go put it into action at home! Because when we feel that our partner is attending well to us, our relationship is strengthened. And when our relationship feels stronger, more sturdy, we handle conflict better as well – even without directly working on the conflict itself.

All of the Gottman couples therapy techniques are built upon extensive research into relationships, and hopefully you can already get a sense of how they build on each other.

Some of the other things that you’ll practice in Gottman couples therapy include:

• Building and maximizing relationship trust
• Creating intimacy through small everyday acts
• Creating rituals, traditions, and shared meaning together
• Developing a solution-oriented, problem-solving approach together
• Growing through healthy approaches to conflict
• Learning how to keep your “love map” of your partner up-to-date
• Nurturing gratitude for your relationship
• Strengthening fondness, respect, and admiration for one another
• Interacting from a place of seeing there are two subjective realities
• The critical importance of being open to influence

Finding the Right Couples Therapist

It isn’t easy finding the right couples therapist. However, working with a therapist who knows the Gottman Method can be a great place to start. Research has shown that it can be an effective form of therapy for couples across all different types of economic, racial, and gender lines. Same-sex relationships benefit from this therapeutic approach as do opposite-sex couples.

One of the most interesting things about this therapy is that it’s designed specifically to help solve the ongoing, perpetual problems that plague many relationships.

Gottman’s research has found that more than two-thirds of marital conflicts are perpetual, which can make those problems seem insurmountable. However, Gottman couples therapy is designed specifically to target those issues. Therefore, the approach may help you even if previous attempts at couples therapy have been unsuccessful.

Of course, you don’t have to be at a crisis point to benefit from this therapy approach. We can use the Gottman Method to help you nip your relationship problems in the bud. We know that you already have a lot of strengths that you bring to the table, and we can help you build upon those strengths so that you create a solid foundation for the relationship in the months and years to come.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Gottman Method for couples therapy, contact us today.