Why Does Grief Come in Waves?

For a topic with so many books written about it, you’d think we’d better understand grief. Everyone endures it, but somehow, most people believe it’s linear. We think it follows a predetermined trajectory of “stages.” This perception is a recipe for grief to become complicated and more intense than expected.

Most people will experience some version of the same emotions. However, the waves are far more critical than the stages. Grief comes and goes in unpredictable waves that can leave anyone feeling unable to cope. By focusing on waves, we might better accept that grief is unique for everyone and thus must be approached with this reality in mind.

What Are the Stages of Grief?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the first stages of grief provided in a 1969 book. Since then, other stages have been added. Still, the value of such a list is not as a universal template. Instead, exploring the stages can give us a general idea of what to expect. But keep in mind:

• The experience will be different for each person
• One stage doesn’t automatically follow the other
• Stages can arrive multiple times
• There’s no road map for bereavement; it’s more like a maze

Like any potentially traumatic experience, grief and mourning emerge and re-emerge through waves of intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, random reminders, and more. A tragedy has happened. Processing and resolving the loss is very challenging. Hence, it makes sense that the grief journey involves some rough sailing.

Coping With the Waves of Grief

The most critical first step is to become willing to accept what’s going on. Something unfortunate has occurred, and you’re feeling more emotions than you knew existed. You’re human, and such a reaction is to be expected. To help you stay in a self-loving state of mind through it all, here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

• There’s no “right” wave to grieve. Don’t compare your path to others. It’s not a competition or contest to prove how sad you are.
• There are some less-than-ideal ways to grieve. Most importantly, you don’t want to choose denial and the suppression of your feelings. The waves keep coming either way, but you’ll get better at dealing with them when you give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel.
• Well-intentioned people will offer cliches and trite platitudes. Do your best to not allocate much time or energy to “advice” like “be strong” or “they wouldn’t want you to be upset.”
• Don’t withdraw. It’s tempting to choose self-isolation — and some solitude can be essential — but this is mostly a time to lean on whatever support system you have.
• Just when it feels like you’ve healed, you may find yourself triggered by any number of reminders. This is not unusual and doesn’t have to be viewed as a setback.
• Grief doesn’t just “end” one day. You don’t cross a finish line and go back to normal. Your life has changed, and part of you will never forget this experience. However, you can absolutely experience moments of joy and hope again.

Do Not Take Grief for Granted

Left unchecked, it can become complicated and prolonged. To preempt such an outcome, many folks do well to connect with a grief therapist shortly after the loss. Just when it seems no one could possibly understand what you’re feeling, a mental health practitioner is there to “get” it.

You should not be expected to handle a major issue alone. So, if you’re struggling through a bereavement period, I invite you to reach out ASAP.